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This…is American Idol…Blog! (Boston Auditions)

Let’s not waste any time….I am the next American Idol!  Oh wait, I’m no longer eligible now that I’m 30.  Ok, let’s try this again…I…am….the next….American Idol…..blogger!

Cue the music, iron Simon’s white and black t-shirts, unleash Randy’s dawg pound, and organize Paula’s medication in her pillbox.  Oh wait, I forgot there’s one less pharmacist employed this year.  (And no, I’m not ready to discuss Simon’s soon-to-be departure yet).  But have no fear, we have Carla, Karra, Karma, Caramel, ol’ what’s her face and new this year, Ellen! (my secret over-50 lesbian crush).  But until she joins the cast, we’re blessed with EIGHT guest judges (ranked in order of favorite to dreadful)

1. Neil Patrick Harris – you’re going to Holly…….wait for it……wood!
2. Kristen Chenoweth – didn’t know who she was until I saw her on Glee, now I’m anxious for more.
3. Shania Twain – I still can’t over the fact that she’s a Canadian country singer.
4. Victoria Beckham – (see below)
5. Katy Perry – um, I mean, she did kiss a girl AND she liked it, so there’s that.
6. Mary J. Blige – is it me or is she involved with Idol every year?
7. Avril Lavigne – glad to see she was able to get time off from singing at Six Flags to participate
8. Joe Jonas – my least favorite Jonas, right behind Derek Jonas.

So our first celebrity judge is a department store mannequin???  Oh wait, it’s Victoria Beckham.  You know, if Idol wanted to change things up a bit, halfway during the show tonight, they should challenge Victoria to audition and see if she can get a golden ticket.

Well here goes nothing….season nine underway!!!!

Janet McNamara – how do you master the Idol video game when you’re a terrible singer?  Are there cheat codes in Nintendo Power magazine to bypass Simon’s nasty comments?  Instead of using the Power Glove or  Power Pad, she used the Power Pooch. Also, it looks as if Janet has failed miserably at the  Project Runway video game.

It’s gonna be another great season!

COMMERCIAL BREAK #1 – Normally I don’t want to write about commercials, but it’s opening night and I need to know something.  Putting aside for a minute Luke Wilson paying off an enormous gambling debt by being forced to do AT&T commercials, but what game show does knowing the capital of Peru win you a million dollars??  Are You Smarter Than a Pat Lonning?  (that one’s for you, Wil)

Maddy Curtis – very touching back-story, which means she’s going to Hollywood (no way, Idol is cruel enough to show that and give her the boot).  She’s not bad, but I’m not sure there’s much range there and I don’t see her getting far enough in this competition

It’s Clark Kent’s evil twin brother, Mark Kent!  Me thinks will be seeing more of him.

Pat Ford – more proof that nothing good has ever come out of New Hampshire. HOLLA!

Jennifer Hirst – Wizard of Oz scat style, that’s a new one.  She seems very tall, Seacrest might not like that.

Claire Fuller – the winner of “first person put through by the judges that makes me question if my surround speakers are broken”

Jess Wolfe – not too shabby.  Having a hard time getting past the glasses and my mom’s blouse that she obviously borrowed, but there might be something behind all of that.  I meant the voice, get your mind out of the gutter people!

COMMERCIAL BREAK #2- I unfortunately ate a lot of Domino’s Pizza in college, has the statue of limitations expired on getting my money back?

Amadeo Diricco – Is it just me or is his mother Janice Soprano?  Surprisingly great voice, although I’m already feeling vocal comparisons to Season 6 semi-finalist Sundance Head.  But if this leads to  “Snooki” or “The Situation” trying out though, I may have to flip the channel to a 90210 re-run.

Derek Hilton – Worst part about the invention of HD…the emergence of acne!  (I’m also talking to you Andrew and Emily – Real World DC).  Line of the night, when asked about why he likes Chris Brown, “I like how he touches kids all over the world”  Great, another reason to hate Chris Brown.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #3 – only a couple hundred thousand dollars more to work off there Luke.

Mere Doyle – Uh, does Janet McNamara have a red-headed sister?  Actually looking at her mom roll her eyes, gives me an idea for an Idol special.  They need to follow around these parents of the awful singers and just see what kinds of “encouragement” they give their children, but then they go into the confessional booth and just trash their kids and curse the day they were born.  I’d watch that.

Luke Shaffer – anyone else see the synchronized “adjustments” by both Kara and Victoria

Benjamin Bright – nice control on the voice, I can do without the snapping though.  First bold prediction said by Maggie (“he’ll be in the top 24”)

Andrew Fenlon (aka Mark Kent) – if he was wearing a bikini, I’m very certain that Kara would have literally ripped his head off.   I didn’t think his voice was bad, it actually had its moments, and I think had his attitude been a little better, he might have gotten his golden ticket.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #4 – Ladies and gentlemen, your American Idol, Kris Allen…..now selling Ford vehicle.  Although I suppose that’s better than being the runner-up and making out with other dudes at the VMAs.

Bill Bloom – just killed a baby seal with that voice.

Michael Ryan – him?

Ashley Rodriguez (A#-Rod, get it?) – she hit that one out of the park, and I’m fairly certain she’s not using performance-enhancement drugs.

Tyler Grady – ever see the movie High Fidelity?  That was very reminiscent of the scene at the end when Jack Black sings on stage (even the same song!), and John Cusack’s character just has this look of utter shock at how surprisingly good his voice was.  The lesson as always kids, break both of your wrists and you’ll become a great singer!

COMMERCIAL BREAK #5 – where do I RSVP for Jessica Biel’s party?

Lisa Olivero – BIFF, who was asleep, just woke up and spent this entire audition looking at me  as if he was saying, “really, we have to watch this?”

Ryan Keane – obviously got kicked out of Keane, still lead singer of Third Eye Blind.

Mike Davis – Codzilla!  Was anyone else waiting for Randy to yell out “I’m on a boat!”  The voice was decent, but Boston and Hollywood aren’t really a great mix (see Affleck, Ben)

COMMERCIAL BREAK #6 – how old is the Snuggle bear by now?  I mean he’s got to at least be at an age where it’s uncomfortable for him to be hanging around your kids.

Katie Stevens –FOX couldn’t say “no Portuguese”, but umm, “no Portuguese”.  Actually she was good, although the performance was a little Titanic-ish, started off as a great fun trip and then gradually sank into the ocean, but plenty of memories along the way.

Joshua Blalock – looks too much like Peter Brady’s child to be the next American Idol.  That went on a little too long.  Also, isn’t it kind of sad when someone comes out of the room with a golden ticket and there’s no one there for them to celebrate with?

COMMERCIAL BREAK #7 – nothing to see here, carry on.

Justin Williams – considering how he was the face of the most of the Idol commercials the past month, this one was never in doubt, and I’ll go as far as to predict, he’s a lock for the Top 24.

COMMERCIAL BREAK #8 – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter commercial starring Megan Mullally.  I guess those Will & Grace residual checks have dried up.

Norberto Guerrero – on a positive note, hands down he’s the best Norberto to sing tonight.

Bosa Mora – at least one member of the Mora family got some good news this week.  Actual quote from Maggie after they showed Bosa’s mother, “there’s definitely a midget with a gun hiding in her hat”

COMMERCIAL BREAK #9 – thing I did not need to hear, “Get the Fame extended dance edition on DVD.”  Thing I did need to hear, “it’s a two-night, four-hour season premiere of 24!”  Early guess is Freddie Prinze Jr is the mole.

Leah Laurenti –very nice, one of the best of the night, but she’s gonna have to control the nerves to make it past the Hollywood round.

RANKING TONIGHT’S GOLDEN TICKET WINNERS
1. Justin Williams
2. Ashley Rodriguez
3. Tyler Grady
4. Leah Laurenti
5. Benjamin Bright
6. Amadeo Diricco
7. Luke Shaffer
8. Katie Stevens
9. Maddy Curtis
10. Jennifer Hirst
11. Bosa Mora
12. Mike Davis
13. Jess Wolfe
14. Joshua Blalock
15. Claire Fuller

Be back tomorrow with some Idol in Hot-lanta!

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6 Responses

  1. Any way u can turn this into some kind of pool…when they make it to Hollywood week??

  2. good to see you on the interwebs again. hope all is well

    • Idol in Boston,,,,but noone from Boston…..lotsa the hated ones New Yorkahzzzz!!!!!!The show sucked,If Cowell wasn’t on it it would be unbearable…..ellen degenerate hasn’t even begun yet……as simon says simply horrible…….rather watch bones or southland.
      HeeHaw in socal from Brockton Mass.

  3. […] American Idol – Boston Auditions […]

  4. […] Posted on January 19, 2010 by jarrettfischer In case you need to catch up, check out the Boston and Atlanta audition […]

  5. […] on January 20, 2010 by jarrettfischer For the previous Idol audition episodes, check out the Boston, Atlanta, and Chicago […]

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