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Fischer’s Friday Five

There’s this quiet lull in the air now that football season is over. Well, with the exception of Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair yelling at me about why I should care about Colt McCoy, when really all anyone should care about is drafting Tim Tebow. Seriously, he may not be the most NFL-ready QB, or ready at all, but I’d be delighted to have him on my team especially if I was the Rams, Bills or Jaguars (the perfect fit). Heck, even as a Giants fan, I wouldn’t mind seeing him on our team getting a few snaps and mix up our same generic offensive scheme the past four years.

So anyway, did anyone else out there watch the Super Bowl, or was I the only one? I’m sure most of you were watching The Biggest Loser marathon instead. Actually on the heels of last week’s Fischer Friday Five, I expected a great game but I didn’t think there would be THAT moment to crack the top five of greatest Super Bowl moments.

Well, hold on to your hat, because there’s a strong candidate now. No, I’m not talking about Peyton Manning’s pick six to seal the early Mardi Gras, but instead the all-out ballsy on-side kick call by Sean Payton to start the second half, which in effect, turned all the momentum of the game around and set the tone for a great victory.

So the big question is, does it make my top 5?

The simple answer is no. Sorry, football fans, it does not. I’m not doubting it wasn’t a great call, but the truth of the matter is, and I’m terribly ashamed to admit it, but I MISSED THE EFFING PLAY!!! I don’t want to lie to any of my readers, but seriously, I turned back to the game right as the referees were determining who had the ball. Why might you ask wasn’t I watching the game and had changed the channel? I blame my buddy Tim Hartman, who texted me saying there was a french bulldog playing in the Puppy Bowl, so I flipped over to see. Thanks Tim. I’d curse you, but you’re already a 49ers fan.

Unfortunately, I’ll never know how great of a play that was, since the replay doesn’t do it justice, especially since I already knew what had happened. If nothing else, I’m glad it was Hank Baskett who dropped the ball, as I’m sure that will make for a very uncomfortable future episode of whatever terrible E! show his wife is on.

So football is over and now we need to find other ways to be entertained, and luckily enough, Valentine’s Day is upon us this weekend. And no, I’m not talking about the movie with every single person in Hollywood in it, that’s got disaster written all over it. Ladies, if you’re going out with a guy for the first time this weekend b/c it’s V-Day, and he takes you to see the movie. Just excuse yourself during the movie (probably the first time Jennifer Garner is on screen) and just run away, there’s no future there. And guys, if you’re dating a girl and she says she wants you to take her to see that movie this week, fake your death, join the witness protection program and go live a better life elsewhere.

Please don’t think I’m bitter, I happen to love this holiday (even if there never really was a Saint Valentine and it was created by the evil folks at Hallmark). Any time you get a holiday where it’s good to give chocolates, I’m all for that. Plus, who doesn’t love those stale candy hearts with words written on them like “Maybe Tonight” or “Your Shoes Are Untied.” So I think that means we have our theme for this week.

I’m Fischer, it’s Friday, and here’s my top five…

FIVE BEST THINGS VALENTINE RELATED

I should apologize to anyone that is spending this Valentine’s Day in their sweatpants with a pint of Haagen Dazs, this probably isn’t the FF5 for you. Even worse, if you’re spending V-Day alone in your sweatpants and you’re lactose intolerant, then I really fell sorry for you. You should probably go see the Valentine’s Day movie to lift your spirits. Just change out of the sweatpants first.

Oh, and for the record, it was suggested that I do five best things regarding the Winter Olympics (which apparently I hear starts tonight), but for the life of me, I can’t think of 5 things I like about the Olympics, let alone one.   Oh wait, I do like Cool Runnings, does that count?  “Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it’s bobsled time!!!”

Honorable Mention: uh, the movie Valentine with Denise Richards and David Boreanz? Weak field this week.

Scott Valentine

Best known as Justine Bateman’s boyfriend Nick on Family Ties. I was always very confused by him, couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but he definitely had this weird thing about him, in almost a Bobcat Goldthwait manner, but a little less caffeinated. Sadly his career never really made it beyond the Keaton family. Did you know that his character actually got a spin-off show. It was called The Art of Being Nick – it aired only one episode. And thus is the career of Scott Valentine. Oh, by the way, he’s 51 years old now, I’m a bit shocked by that. Not that he’s in his fifties, but that he’s still alive.

"I'm here to pick up Mallory"

Constantine Maroulis singing “My Funny Valentine” on American Idol

After this performance of Constantine eye-raping the camera, I felt as worse than Andy Dufresne after Boggs and the Sisters got a hold of him. The vocals themselves weren’t bad, but ease up on the staring buddy, you’re even making Paula Abdul uncomfortable and she’s currently heavily medicated to be comfortable all the time. Is it just me or does Constantine strike a resemblance to Gina Ryder (I’ll allow you all to figure out on your own who that is, and in case Maggie asks, I, uh, had to do, research on her for a paper in college. Yeah, that’s it).

Greg “The Hammer” Valentine

How can you not enjoy a pudgy blonde wrestler with a triad mullet. It had action going on in the back, the sides and the front. This is a one-of-a-kind beauty folks. I’d pay good money to see him a pantsuit. Not sure why. That actually sounds a little messed up, where’s the delete key? But I remember “The Hammer” as part of my original Saturday morning WWF television watching in the late 1980s and if memory serves me correctly, I remember yelling at the TV when he beat “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin in a retirement match. I had no clue who Garvin was, but that was the great thing about being a naive 8 year old who thought wrestling was real, you cheered for your heroes and booed the bad guys. And above all else, you knew that no matter how bad any situation was, you could “hulk up” and everything would be all right, as long as it ended with you leg dropping someone else. Valentine also teamed with the Honky Tonk Man to form the tag team Rhythm & Blues – which looking back makes zero sense. Oh well, if nothing else, at least we have a special message from “The Hammer” on this special holiday weekend….

Emily Valentine

The original prime-time teen drama psycho chick! Coming off the devastating loss of Scott from Season 1 (don’t play with your Dad’s gun in his office, you’ll shoot your guts out), Beverly Hills, 90210 needed to shake things up and they did so by adding Christine Elise to play what seemed to be the kind of friendly, approachable punk girl (as opposed to the scary, unsanitary punk girl). We all cheered when her and Brandon Walsh got together, thinking that maybe opposites really do attract. And then she drugged Brandon, who in turn dumped her which led to the infamous episode where she burned the Homecoming float, because obviously standing outside the casa de Walsh with a boombox wasn’t hardcore enough. Shortly after that, she faded to the background, but not before leaving horrible voicemails on the Walsh answering machine. I think she reappeared a few season later for one episode where Brandon contemplating sleeping with her again. Oh Jason Preistley when will you ever learn – once a crazy chick, always a…..GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! (Yep, Wikipedia has confirmed this, he did almost sleep with Emily the episode that Kelly was burned in the fire. Ooh, what poetic symmetry by the writers.) But more importantly, Emily gets the #2 spot for opening the door for crazy chicks like Kimberly on Melrose Place, Oliver on The O.C., stalker Derek on One Tree Hill and Katie Holmes on Dawson’s Creek.

So I couldn’t find any video of Emily burning the float down, so instead, here’s Scott shooting himself. Enjoy.

Bobby Valentine

The greatest manager in Mets history (sorry Davey Johnson), but considering baseball managers have to sit around on a wooden bench for 162 days out of the year, I think it’s important for your manager to have a little bit of a personality. Lucky for us Mets fans, Valentine apparently had multiple personalities, which is why he gets #1 on my list. First though, he took over a struggling team in the mid-nineties and turned them into a winning ball club and eventually leading them to the World Series, where I’m proud to say New York won, even if it wasn’t the Mets. But his ultimate highlight came the year before when he got ejected from a game against the Blue Jays. The rules state that if you get ejected, you have to leave the dugout and can not come back at all. That didn’t stop Bobby from putting on a fake mustache and sunglasses (it was a night game) and coming right back into the dugout as if nothing had happened. He even got away with it for a little bit, until the TV announcers spotted him and ratted him out. But whatever the case, it was a hysterical moment in baseball and for that he’ll always be my favorite Valentine. I mean, really, there’s not much competition though. He’s up against a psycho arsonist, an out-of-shape wrestler, a guy who finished like 6th on Idol and a guy who’s last known work on IMDB is listed as a movie called Harpies.

"No, I'm not Bobby, I'm Joey Fingers from Brooklyn, I'm just here to deliver the pizzas."

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!!

3 Responses

  1. bobby over emily. are you high? she almost burned down the parade float. girl was insane and incredibly sexy for the early nineties. she had dylan and brandon both spun; a complete force of nature. granted, bobby has a sweet porn mustache in that picture, but that should have been an easy call. boooooooo.

  2. Where’s Billy Ray Valentine???

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