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This…Is American Idol…Blog (Guy’s Night Out)

So after a slightly underwhelming start by the ladies last night, it’s the dawg pound’s turn to take the stage tonight, and since I’m still suffering from a wicked head cold, feeling achy and I’m being fake-sponsored by Nyquil again tonight, I’m going to try make this quick so I get to bed at an early hour. Who am I kidding, I just want to be done by 10, so I can catch the mini-marathon of Cougar Town.

Looking back to last week, here’s how I ranked the 12 guys going into tonight. And it’s official, Michael Lynche is here to stay! Chris Golighty, not so much.

MY TOP 12 GUYS
1. Andrew Garcia
2. Lee Dewyze
3. Michael Lynche
4. Casey James
5. Tyler Grady
6. John Park
7. Alex Lambert
8. Toderick Hall
9. Aaron Kelly
10. Tim Urban
11. Jermaine Sellers
12. Joe Munoz

In the biggest non-surprise of the evening, Andrew Garcia has got the pimp spot (going last). In the biggest actual surprise, Casey James is NOT wearing a blue shirt. Biggest upset since Buster Douglas beat Mike Tyson. And with that it’s go time as Seacrest tells us…”this…is….stop it Simon” (uhhh, ok).

Also, what’s up with Kara this season? She’s being very clingy next to Simon just hanging on his every word and looking to stroke his face like Chris Farley did to that muffin in Tommy Boy. Simon’s kind enough to give us his thoughts on the guys saying they looked nervous during rehearsal and if they forget their lyrics tonight or show their nerves, then their careers are over. Always encouraging words from the Brits.

Toderick Hall ("Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson) - best way to describe this, Maggie and I spent the entire performance looking at each other as if someone farted but no one claimed it. I'll give you a hint, Toderick ripped one. He basically took an SUV of a song and turned into a Toyota Camry and then crashed it into Kelly Clarkson's house.
GRADE: D-

Aaron Kelly ("Here Comes Goodbye" by The Rascal Flatts) - congrats Aaron, you actually sang your future for tomorrow night's results show. Maggie said I could have just put a period after future. Uh, apparently Simon liked that. Wow, he's really mailing it in for his final season. Actually all the judges liked him and have nothing but praise for him. I think I took too much NyQuil tonight. Maybe they have to keep him around longer so Seacrest has someone to look down on.
GRADE: D

Anyone else think it's cruel that the commercial for "want more Idol" shows Thaddeus Johnson, the last booted contestant before the Top 24?

Jermaine Sellers ("Get Here" by someone Adams - John Quincy Adams?) - four notes in, and I'm already upset that Canada/Russia is at intermission leaving me with nothing to flip to. This is not helping my head cold in any way whatsoever. I've heard cats in the microwave who've sounded better. Jermaine didn't do himself any favors afterwards by not knowing who Michael from the band was (the same Michael he threw under the bus during Hollywood Week).
GRADE: D-

Great, apparently so far I'm grading on the Heidi Montag scale tonight with all these triple DDDs

Tim Urban ("Apologize" by One Republic) - first Idol contestant to ever rock the Members Only jacket? Ok, this is ridiculous, just take everything I said about the first three contestants and apply it here. So basically Tim took a bunch of Nyquil, put his cat in the microwave, farted, and then crashed a Toyota into Kelly Clarkson's house. This was soooooo bad, especially the high notes, that even Kara, who wrote the song, wanted absolutely no association with that song. Anyone else out there think he looks exactly like LJ from Prison Break? That's good for him, b/c he's gonna need Uncle Michael Scofield to help him escape elimination and make it to next week.
GRADE: DDD-

The Glee preview is the second best part about tonight's Idol. Just slightly behind the mute button.

Joe Munoz ("You and I Both" by Jason Mraz) - hey it's the "token Hispanic we know nothing about" says my buddy Adam. Maybe it's better to not know anything about these male contestants since most of them are either weeks, days or minutes away from being irrelevant. However, that being said, the good news for Joe is that he was easily the best so far tonight compared to the first four rejects who went. But that it would be like me entering a darts tournament against Helen Keller. On second thought, that's a terrible idea.
GRADE: C-

Tyler Grady ("American Women" by The Guess Who) - I had such high hopes for Jim Morrison and Mick Jagger's love child. Unfortunately, he's about to buried right next to Jim and Mick. Wait, Mick Jagger's still alive?!? I'm not sure how that's possible. What's next, you're gonna tell me Keith Richards is alive too? Tyler may have the look of the 60s/70s classic rock era, but he does not have the pipes to back it up. That was like the drunk guy at a party who wants to play Rock Band because he's practicing at home when he's by himself.
GRADE: D+

Back from commercial and Seacrest says 12 guys will be singing for us tonight. That's great...when are they getting here?

Lee Dewyze ("Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol) - hey, this was a good performance. alright, it only took 64 minutes to get the show started. What the hell, the judges are trashing him...except Simon saves the day! Thank you Mr. Cowell, I take back everything bad I ever said about fish and chips. Seriously, how could Randy and Kara say anything bad about that after having to listen the sound of a garbage truck backing up for the first hour tonight?
GRADE: B

Canada up 7-3 after two periods. If Russia can get that 3rd period touchdown, they're right back in this game.

John Park ("God Bless The Child" by uh, God?) - not a bad performance by the future Mr. Shania Twain. Not a big fan of the douchy Jay Cutler haircut. It wasn't an award winning performance, but again compared to the first hour, this sounded really good. I don't like slow songs as your live debut, so that could cost him, but at least we know he can sing.
GRADE: C+

Michael Lynche ("This Love" by Maroon 5) - reminds me of one of my favorite Family Guy lines when Meg's boyfriend gets her a Maroon 5 CD for their 3-week anniversary because he remembered how much she liked terrible music. That's basically all I can say here. It was passable, but not memorable. He's safe for another week, as I'm sure he'll be here long enough to miss his child's first steps.
GRADE: C

Alex Lambert ("Wonderful World" by James Morrison) - much quieter and shyer than a different Lambert from last season. Seriously, he's like Teller to Adam Lambert's Penn. The vocals were pretty good, he's got a solid voice, but man oh man, does he need to learn how to perform on stage. I've seen robots show more emotion. Big ups to Ellen for calling out Alex for sporting the mullet, however, her saying she loves bananas and wanting to eat bananas just doesn't seem correct.

Up next is Casey James, who Maggie says she hopes he does well. Did I mention I voted for Janell Wheeler 100 times last night? Maybe we can double date.

I know I must be really sick now, because I just saw a commercial for Chili's and actually contemplated going there right now.

Casey James ("Heaven" by Bryan Adams) - I'll give him kudos for not laughing at Kara acting goofy at the beginning of the song. I was afraid he was about to pull a Jimmy Fallon in every SNL sketch. I was gonna let Maggie write the review of this performance, but she broke her laptop after drooling all over it. Great, now she's clapping at the end. Actually it was a good vocal, made all the better by the judges comments afterwards. Randy saying it's hard for him and Casey to both be models, Simon calling Kara a cougar and Seacrest saying Kara has a meeting with HR on Friday were hysterical. Ironically, Ellen was the only not-funny one in these moments.
GRADE: B-

Andrew Garcia ("Sugar We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy) - that was the musical equivalent to Fruit Stripe Gum. Starts off really good, you get excited by the flavor and then the flavor disappears after 5 seconds and you're left with a chewed piece of bland gum. Very disappointing for the male frontrunner, but still better than half of the monkey poo that was flung at our TV screens tonight.
GRADE: C

Oh god, the Idol quick recap is giving me Vietnam-esque flashbacks to the first hour tonight.

MY BOTTOM THREE - Tim Urban, Jermaine Sellers, Toderick Hall
MY PREDICTION FOR AMERICA'S BOTTOM THREE - Tim Urban, Jermaine Sellers, Alex Lambert
GOING HOME - Tim Urban (again) and Jermaine Sellers and Russian hockey team

MY NEW MALE POWER RANKINGS (last week's ranking in parenthesis)
1. Andrew Garcia (1)
2. Lee Dewyze (2)
3. Casey James (4)
4. Michael Lynche (3)
5. John Park (6)
6. Tyler Grady (5)
7. Alex Lambert (7)
8. Joe Munoz (12)
9. Aaron Kelly (9)
10. Toderick Hall (8)
11. Jermaine Sellers (11)
12. Tim Urban (10)

5 Responses

  1. Casey… I miss you.

  2. my bottem 3:
    tim urban, tyler grady, and alex lambert. going home, hopefully all 3. they will keep the black guys all around for another week. they are better than how they performed and tim and alex were bad. all the old people that lived through the 70s will keep tyler around for a little while

  3. Sure, one year after I’m too old, and NOW all the guys blow. And I want to know if the lyric change was because of Garcia having a problem with it, or Fox being more comfortable with the word gun than god, or just overall stupidity.

  4. Tim Urban = LJ from prisonbreak
    yes yes yes yes yes.
    I’ve been searching the interwebs for someone that agrees and I feel so fulfilled to finally find someone that does.

    …and that is all.

  5. Aaron Kelly = Chicken Little from a couple seasons ago.

    Casey James = Patrick Swayze’s (RIP) character from Point Break

    Michael Lynche = Michael Clark Duncan’s character from Armageddon

    John Park (ok, maybe just because he’s Asain) = Guy from Hangover and Role Models. “Bye bye gay boys!!”

    I could go on… but Im supposed to be working.

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