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Fischer’s Friday Five

For many of you, this upcoming Monday is a day off of work celebrating Martin Luther King Jr.  Sadly where I work, the only recognized holidays are Saturdays and Sundays.  However, that will not deter me from paying my respects for the most important man in civil rights history on the upcoming 25th anniversary of MLK Day; except for the part where I still go into work on Monday while everyone else sleeps in.

Martin Luther King had a dream, a vision, that was heard by millions, which is so very impressive especially considering I can’t even get Maggie to listen to the dreams I have about being chased down the hall in my old elementary school by midgets juggling watermelons.

Seriously though, does anyone nowadays care about another person’s dreams?  Why do we even bother sharing them with friends/family since no one really cares regardless of the magnitude of the dream?  For the poker players reading this, does anyone ever care about stories involving freeroll tournaments for fake money?  No, b/c it’s not real money, nor are dreams real, they’re just your subconscious taking over for 6-8 hours or whatever Inception wants you to believe.  To me, having someone tell me their dreams is the equivalent to someone saying “ugh, this tastes like s***, try this.”  Why would I want to try something that you gave a terrible review to, let alone compared to fecal matter?

Of course, King’s (or do we call him King Jr. for short) dream wasn’t literally a dream, but more of a vision for our nation, and one worth listening to.  And while I wasn’t alive in the 1960s and most of the 1970s, I’d be an ignorant fool to not understand, appreciate and honor his dream/his vision.  I hope someday soon we live in a world of absolute equality, and if that doesn’t happen, just abort the entire state of Arkansas and we’re one step closer.

So with that, let me now say football picks are at the bottom of the post and…I’m Jarrett, It’s Friday, and here’s my five…


First name only, so unfortunately, you won’t be seeing any Steve Martin, Billy Martin or Donna Martin.  Also not included are variations of the name Martin (i.e. Marty McFly, Martina Navratilova or Martin Brodeur – which I understand is spelled the same way but pronounced Marteen – which in turn reminds me of that terrible French contestant, Mattin, from a couple of seasons ago on Top Chef).  Also not included on this list are guys named Doug, Gary, Greg, or Trent, because none of those names are Martin and thus wouldn’t make any sense to have on the list.

Honorable Mention: Martin Sheen, Martin van Buren, Martin Short (my least favorite Amigo)

Dishonorable Mention: Martin Henderson (from The Ring – looks too much like Zach Braff’s stunt double) and Martin Joseph (see picture)

"How did I not make the Top 5?"

Martin Lawrence

The forgotten Lawrence brother living in the shadow of younger brother Joey (whoooooah!).  Ok, maybe they’re not related, but if they Martin definitely got the better acting gene.  How can we not appreciate someone who gave us Black Knight, National Security, Rebound and THREE Big Momma’s House movies.  Not to mention Sheneneh Jenkins, the greatest character on television since Jackee.  Let’s just say I was jealous when my brother-in-law got season 3 and 4 of Martin on DVD for Christmas instead of me.  Did I say jealous?  I meant relieved.  To be fair though, Lawrence has had some hilarious moments, and Bad Boys is an all-time classic, so for that he cracks the list.

Martin Mull

Two words: Gene Parmesan!  Here’s a guy who’s stock has been all over the map.  He was great at Colonel Mustard in Clue, and even enjoyable as the evil boss in Mr. Mom (a classic underrated movie and possibly the inspiration for Real World/Road Rules Challenge) and then he fizzled out with stints on shows like Roseanne and refusing to leave the set of Hollywood Squares for 6 years, before returning as one of my favorite one-episode characters on Arrested Development.  He got me again, ahhhhhhhhh! (See the clip below).

Martin Mull as Gene Parmesan

Martin Scorcese

Amazingly, last week’s top 5 of movies based on actual events had Goodfellas in the #3 spot, so I suppose it’s only fitting to have one of the greatest directors of all-time (not named Nolan) in the #3 spot this week.  Sure I hated his last film (Shutter Island – which I still firmly believe was actually directed by M. Night Shamwowalyan) but there’s no denying how special of a place movies like Goodfellas, The Departed, Casino, Raging Bull and Air Bud have had in cinematic history.  Wait, maybe he didn’t direct Raging Bull, I can’t remember, but he’s also had a huge hand in the great new series Boardwalk Empire and I can’t wait to see him tackle the upcoming films about Frank Sinatra and Teddy Roosevelt.

Martin Prince

If you’re wondering who this is, then you’re probably not a fan of The Simpsons, the portly teacher’s pet nerd for the past 20 years.  By the way, don’t these animation kids ever grow up or graduate past a certain grade?  At least South Park had the decency to advance the kids to the 4th grade at some point in the past 15 years.  My two favorite Martin Prince moments are when he gets teamed up with the Nelson, the school bully, and instantly declares them “Team Discovery Channel” much to Nelson’s chagrin and when he explains what a bundle of sticks is.  Enjoy the clips…

Martin Luther King, Jr.

No one else is more deserving of the top spot.  No, not even use Martin Joseph.

"Come on, it's me, Martin Joseph, how do I not top this list?"


After last weekend’s wild outcomes – who would have thunk that Seattle would be the only home team to win – I’ve determined I know nothing, even though I went 3 out of 4 in my picks last week.  Still trying to figure out why Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was considered for a head coaching position this week after the lowly Seahawks picked his D apart last Saturday.  Oh well, here’s what you should expect (or not expect this weekend)

STEELERS (-3) over Ravens
I know there are some crazy statistics out there about how the last 4 meetings these teams have had, every game has been decided by exactly 3 points and that they’ve scored the exact same amount of touchdowns and field goals in that time, but I’m feeling bold and will guarantee that this will not be a 3-point difference.  The Ravens defense is older than it has been and Ed Reed is clearly distracted.  Last week’s great showing against the Chiefs was more about the un-tested Matt Cassel trying to do too much and force too many passes.  This week, I expect Big Ben to shrewdly shred the secondary apart and unfortunately for Ravens fans, Joe Flacco isn’t going to be able to keep up with Ben, especially if rohypnol is involved.  My favorite thing I read this week was that Roethlisberger credits an altered throwing motion that’s quickened his release leading to a career-low five interceptions this season.  What about the 4 games he was suspended for alleged sexual assault, did that have any bearing on less interceptions?
PREDICTION:  Pittsburgh 27-16

FALCONS (-2.5) over Packers
I really do want to see Green Bay win, and I absolutely think they can and wouldn’t consider it in anyway a surprise, but just about everyone and their mother is on the Packers bandwagon, and I’d rather just not be crowded and walk the rest of the way with Atlanta.  Matt Ryan is 20-2 at home in the Georgia Dome lifetime and this Falcons team didn’t lose to a non-playoff team all season (three losses were against Pittsburgh, Philly and New Orleans).  I don’t think this one will be as defensive as the Round 1 20-17 last second Falcons win, but if Atlanta can get by here, you might as well as book their hotels in Dallas now for the Super Bowl
PREDICTION:  Atlanta 37-31

Seahawks (+10) at BEARS
I really flip-flopped on this several times, until I remember that Jay “Footsteps Falco” Cutler has never played in a pre-season game and also this awesome Super Mario video of the Marshawn Lynch from last week, which will probably go down as the Top 5 greatest runs ever (future Friday 5?).
PREDICTION:  Bears 20-19

Jets (+9) at PATRIOTS
First off, can we please stop wasting our time with reports like Antonio Cromartie’s saying he hates Tom Brady, or Rex Ryan saying this is all about him vs. Belichick.  No one really cares, and it’s not worthy of a headline on ESPN when I could be reading about Carmelo Anthony rumors.  The way the Jets perceive their “rivalry” with the Patriots is eerily similar to how Maryland basketball used to perceive theirs with Duke in the late 90’s.  Duke didn’t care about the Terps, even if they won a couple of games against them, because Duke knew in the long run that they were way superior than ther Terrapins.  That’s how the Patriots feel about the Jets, they don’t care about them as much as the Jets care about the Patriots, but they’ll still show up on Sunday (because forfeiting would be stupid) and they’ll do what they do best and that’s play playoff football.  So why am I picking the Jets?  Because Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez are 3-1 in the playoffs (all road games) and they’ve covered them all.  Can they win? Sure, even Maryland beats Duke every so often.  But I don’t think there’s enough lucky feet in the world for Rex Ryan to make it to the AFC Championship game again.
PREDICTION: New England 34-27

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