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American Idol Recap – Opening Night

I swore when I started this blog up again that I wouldn’t write about American Idol . After all, trying to recap last year’s horrendous season caused me to become burnt out on blogging as well as watching Idol. So I gave up on writing about Idol about 3/4 of the way thru the season, which isn’t very professional, but then again neither was the garbage performances that were being put up there each week last season. Crystal Bowersox was the only real talent, but you knew she wasn’t going to win because, since nobody votes for people with bad teeth to win (see Elliot Yamin, Jewel on Dancing With the Stars and Mike Tyson on The Bachelor).

"I want a wose"

But how could I resist about giving a review for the brand new season, and the most historic one from the panel of judges involved.  Gone are the days of Simon’s generic t-shirts and horrendous $4 haircuts.  No more crazy, drunk, drugged, whatever she was Paula.  No more Kara and her…um, what did she contribute?  And no more Ellen DeGeneres, although I’m not entirely convinced she was a judge last season, or if I dreamt the whole thing.  Instead, our new lineup is comprised of Randy “they still payin’ me to be here” Jackson, Jennifer Lopez and what I can only assume is what Jennifer Lopez will look like in about 30 years, but that may be Steven Tyler, I haven’t been able to confirm yet.

Oh yeah, and Seacrest is back.  Remember when he was a punchline for every joke possible?  Now, there’s probably not a single guy out there, straight or guy, that wouldn’t give John Kruk’s other testicle to be him.

New intro, new music, new judges, new talent….let’s get it started!!!

First up, the introduction of Steven Tyler, who’s proud to say that he took this gig for this love of music and finding new talent.  Somehow he neglected to mention the $12 million he’ll be getting paid.  Jennifer Lopez is already claiming to be as nice as possible as she’s not in the habit of crushing people’s dreams.  Man, it’s so great to have 1/5 of the original Fly Girls as a judge this year.  And last but not least there’s Randy Jackson, who’s basically the wrestling equivalent of the coward in the Royal Rumble who either hides under the ring or in a corner hoping no one notices that he’s not really talented and has no chance of being a champion and will eventually get tossed.

By the way, sidebar, for any wrestling fans out there, is anyone else bothered by the fact that the Royal Rumble will have 40 participants this year instead of the usual 30?  I feel like a great tradition is being ruined so we can have 10 extra jobbers in there.  No one will I ever expect Primo, Darren Young or Doink the Clown to win the Rumble and headline Wrestlemania.

Half of these guys are more dead than the Undertaker.

 

Anyway, back to the show at hand. In order to not go crazy this year in case the talent is worse than last year, I’m going to stick to a formula I tried out last year and only give each contestant feature a 10 words or less writeup, so hopefully that can help convey the sheer horror or surprisingly delight each person brings to me tonight.

Before that though, let’s recap the previous nine winners from worst to first…

9. Kris Allen
8. Lee DeWyze
7. Jordin Sparks
6. Ruben Studdard
5. Taylor Hicks
4. Fantasia
3. Kelly Clarkson
2. David Cook
1. Carrie Underwood

Here we go…and since I don’t know what a Snooki is, I’m going to ignore that this is taking place in New Jersey. Contestants who get a ticket to Hollywood with an asterisk next to their name.

*Rachel Zevita – auditioned before, still sucks, has weird on her eye; creepy

(I’m gonna break my 10 words or less right away.  Why did Idol choose her to start the auditions that they showed, seems like a very awkward choice, especially since she’s just going to get cut in Hollywood again)

*Caleb Hawley – gave Steven Tyler orgasm, bluesy singers don’t fare well here

FYI, Steven Tyler yaaaaaaaaa count tonight is already at 4.

*Kenzie Palmer – a little raw for 15-years old, but potential talent

Achille Lovele – from Ivory Coast, needs to be deported immediately

Jennifer Lopez wonders why she signed up for this after having to say no to a contestant.  Again, see the $12 million paycheck.  I’m sure she’d say yes to making Anaconda 2 or Maid in Memphis for $12 million.

*Tiffany Rios – star nipples, not really sure what else to say

Melkia Wheatfell – more like Wheatfail

*Robbie Rosen – first talent of season, looks like Andy Samberg’s younger brother

BTW, it’s worth repeating, but does Steven Tyler wonder if any of these female contestants are another daughter he doesn’t know about?

Chris Cordiero – name sounds like terrible baseball relief pitcher, awful singer too

Not really showing many names of contestants, just a montage of them saying yes and no.  This is great, next week, we’ll learn the difference of left vs. right

Michael Perotto – sang “Proud Mary” so bad, Ike came back from the dead to hit Tina again (I cheated, but that deserved more than 10 words, and so does our next contestant)

*Ashley Sullivan – wants career like Britney Spears, way to set bar high (“fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life”)

*Victoria Huggins – voice I give a 7, annoyance factor gets a 10

*Melinda Ademi – dang, good thing her parents escaped from Eastern Europe

*Devyn Rush – singing waitress before the audition; singing waitress after the audition

Jimmy Kennedy – Oswald shot the wrong Kennedy; too soon?

Genise Deal – probably fun to go karaoking with

Yoji “Pop” Asano – someone actually sang Miley worse than Miley, barely

And now a montage of bad singers doing Miley’s “Party in the USA”, at this point, I’d like to give a shout out to Eugene Polley for being credited with inventing the mute button.

Maggie thinks The Chicago Code looks like a good show. I say canceled by April.

Jaclyn Blythe – where’s that random bus out of nowhere to hit her

Ima Abasumoh – unjumble the letters in her name to read “crappy singer”

Rob Palmay –“nice shorts” says Steven Tyler, that’s about it

*Briell Von Hugel – lots of 16-year olds sing “Endless Love” for their audition

*Travis Orlando – the annual good singer with a sort of homeless background

RANKINGS THE GOLDEN TICKETS TONIGHT
(51 got thru to Hollywood, only 11 were shown)
1. Robbie Rosen
2. Briell Von Hugel
3. Melinda Ademi
4. Travis Orlando
5. Caleb Hawley
6. Ashley Sullivan
7. Kenzie Palmer
8. Devyn Rush
9. Victoria Huggins
10. Rachel Zevita
11. Tiffany Rios

 

I wonder where the other four Fly Girls are these days.

 

 

2 Responses

  1. I was disappointed at the large number of good singers they showed – was hoping for more of the really HUGE train wrecks they usually show!

    Also, you know that Carrie Ann Inaba (from Dancing With The Stars) is in the above pic of the Fly Girls, right? I never realized she was a Fly Girl until I watched the box set of In Living Color again! So THAT’S where she came from!

    Great rundown, bt-dubs! 😉

  2. I always had a thing for the blonde Fly Girl. Shes probably working at an Applebees in Huntsville, AL now. And I did NOT realize that was Carrie Ann from DWTS. Looks like shes gained a whole other Carrie since then…

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