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This…Is American Idol…Blog (Road To Hollywood Auditions)

Who would have guessed that starting a new job and being buried under 4 feet of snow would cause me to be backed up on my Idol watching as well as my recaps?  At least I still have my good hygiene, that hasn’t been effected by work or snow.  And who needs a gym membership anymore?  Just shovel snow for two hours, that should be more than enough exercise to cover you for a month.

Anyway, for those who are reading this, do not be confused, this is not a recap of last night’s Hollywood show, but instead it’s last Wednesday’s “Road To Hollywood” recap – which is basically sounds better to Idol producers than saying “These Are Some Good Auditions We Didn’t Show In Previous Episodes Because We Were Too Busy Showing You Bad Auditions.”  Actually this is a pivotal show.  You got to think that if they’re dedicating an entire episode to extra ticket winners, that these are some of the contestants we should keep an eye on.  Either that, or they had an extra hour to fill and we’re getting paid oodles of money from sponsors.

And since I’m wayyyy behind, I’m going to recap each performer tonight in 10 words or less.  Awww yeah, it’s express Idol…here we go. Continue reading

This…Is American Idol…Blog (Denver Auditions)

I wonder if some higher power is trying to tell me something along the lines of  ‘don’t watch Idol this week.’  After postponing Tuesday’s night blog because of the Lost premiere, I then postponed it again (along with the Wednesday night blog) thanks to my father-in-law showing up and being sneakier than John Turturro in Mr. Deeds.  I almost had strike three tonight thanks to the impending snowstorm of doom.  But thankfully I did all my “end of the world” shopping yesterday, so now I have no more distractions and…..oooh, a shiny object….wait, what was I saying?

Actually, for those who are also going to be trapped indoors all weekend due to the storm or want to make fun of us east coasters, I’ll be doing a full weekend live blizzard blog for your entertainment and for my attempt at going insane.

But before that, we got two episodes of Idol to tackle, so in the words of the Black Eyed Peas, “boom boom pow.”  Um, I mean, “let’s get it started.”

We begin in Denver, where hopefully there are no South Park hopefuls trying to sing the brown note.  Lucky for us fans of plastics, we get treated to another round of everybody’s favorite Tanning Bed Barbie, Victoria Beckham.  Why they brought her back for more auditions is a bit odd, but then again, she was quite possibly in the oddest girl group of all-time.  I would have liked to have been in the room when they put together the Spice Girls.  Did they order off of a menu?  “Yeah, gimme a busty red head, some young looking baby-faced blonde girl, and do you have any scary black chicks?   What else do you have in the kitchen?  Can you make me a skinny robot with a terrible singing voice and no facial expressions?  Oh yeah, I guess we should have a side of talent, gimme an athletic girl who can carry more than one note.”

I still say they should make the guest judges audition to be on the show.  Hopefully there are no Spice Girls wannabes trying out, so let’s see what Denver has to offer. Continue reading

This…Is American Idol…Blog (Dallas Auditions)

It’s Doogie Howser Idol tonight in Dallas. Actually that’s a great idea for a new reality show, 12-year olds with no medical training or education, audition to become surgeons. The winner has to perform open heart surgery live on stage in front of millions.

Let’s hope that tonight showcases some good talent, as right now this season has been lacking in hopefuls. I mean, when Victoria Beckham and Avril Lavigne are in the top 5 best singers we’ve seen on the show so far this season, you know it’s been a rough go of it. Continue reading

This…Is American Idol…Blog (Los Angeles Auditions)

Idol goes back across the country this week to Los Angeles where 11,000 hopefuls are outside the Rose Bowl hoping to be the next superstar. The first contestant has entered the room…

Avril Lavigne – oh wait, nevermind, she’s a guest judge this week. How embarrassing, I thought she was trying out.

Neil Goldstein – wow Chris O’Donnell has really let himself go. Damn, I was hoping he’d make it through to the next round and be the best Jewish singer since Paula Abdul (yes, little known fact, Paula Abdul drinks the Manischewitz wine when she takes her crazy pills).

Hopefully the rest of the contestants aren’t as terrible and sweaty. Continue reading

This…Is American Idol…Blog (Orlando Auditions)

For the previous Idol audition episodes, check out the Boston, Atlanta, and Chicago recaps.

It’s O-town tonight on Idol, and no, not the terrible boy band from a few years ago. Although Orlando has given us boy band member Lance Bass, Gold Club member Tiger Woods, and “this guy” (fathers, keep him away from your daughters!)

Tonight’s guest judge is, Emmy and Tony award winner, Kristen Chenoweth, which is very fitting for Orlando, considering she sounds like Mickey Mouse. I never watched Pushing Daisies, but did enjoy Kristen on her guest spot on Glee this season. That’s Glee, the Golden Globes winner for best comedy, now available on DVD and new episodes returning April on FOX. Oops, shameless plug, let’s move on to the contestants.

Theo Glinton – it’s The Phantom Of The San Francisco Opera. He does sing like he’s a very angry hairdresser. Best part, watch in slow motion when they tell him he’s not Jennifer Hudson. You can almost see his soul get crushed by the metaphoric bus. Line of the night from Maggie, “are those mirrors on your face? Because I can see you’re not going to Hollywood.”

Seth Rollins – after being treated to a 5-minute montage of Cara/Kristen becoming BFFs and terribly quick-clipped auditions, it’s very refreshing to get a nice back story about a good dad who’s not “out with a divorce.” He has a nice voice, but it’s kind of simple and I don’t get much enthusiasm or excitement from him, but definitely good enough for Hollywood.

Commercial break – is there anyone in Hollywood who’s not in the Valentine’s Day movie? I think the only actors I didn’t see in the preview were Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage, but they’re probably hanging out at Starbucks writing the script for Vice Versa 2.

Jermaine Purifoy – 25 minutes in, and this is only the third audition we’ve seen that isn’t a two-second clip!  Not a good start coming off the heels of last night’s episode. Very good voice here, kind of like a poor man’s Stevie Wonder.  Kristen gives him a no-pun intended comment and calls his voice “pure”. Looks like he’s taking this go around more seriously than his last audition a couple of years ago when he tried out for Beer Pong Idol. Hmm, that could be an interesting concept for a new show. You have to sing while playing beer pong, we could probably get Seann William Scott to host.

Shelby Dressel – looking like a cross between Gina Gershon and Lexie from Grey’s Anatomy. It was a decent audition, especially considering she doesn’t have the ability to use the right side of her face. She also might be the first person to use the f-word in an audition and get through, which normally the judges wouldn’t look kindly to. So unfortunately, this is leading me to have terrible flashbacks of Scott McIntyre.

We only got to see 3 of the 18 that got golden tickets the first day, and I’m beginning to worry about this season if all we got to hear was Seth, Jermaine and Shelby. Also, Kristen got called away and sadly we are given no replacement for her. Couldn’t they have gotten a local celeb to fill in for a day? Wesley Snipes lives nearby, he could offer great feedback like “yes, you can sing Mariah Carey, but you can’t hear her.” Or if someone was debating between singing Barry White or Clint Black, he can say “let me give you a word of advice, always bet on black” (that’s a Passenger 57 reference for you non-Snipes people out there).

Jay Stone – yeah, just what Idol was lacking, another beatboxer to make it through. I was about to draw the comparisons to Season 7 runner-up Blake Lewis, until Jay claims he’s better than Blake. So is Jay saying he’s Jordin Sparks? Also, where is Blake nowadays? According to wikipedia, “Blake, who was dropped by Arista after one album, is getting a kick out of watching the new season of American Idol.” That puts him slightly ahead of Justin Guarini, who does not enjoy watching Idol.

Now it’s the time where Idol shows us three quick auditions that make it through and leaving us with very little to judge on…

Janell Wheeler – very nice, would have liked to hear some more.

Brittany Starr James – only got treated to her for a few seconds, but that was enough for the obligatory, Simon checking her out. He definitely has a type.

Kasi Bedford – rushed through her lyrics, she’s probably late for her shift at Space Mountain.

Cornelius Edwards – four easy words to get you a golden ticket and into Hollywood, “my pants done ripped.” Actually the best part was afterward when Cornelius goes to celebrate with his family, Seacrest picks up a little boy, who facial expression just screams, “my pants done ripped, I need an adult.”

Bernadette and Amanda Desimone – Jersey sisters who own a hair salon. I’ve got a bad feeling about this, like MTV is already planning a reality show called Jersey Shorn. They weren’t terrible and probably both deserving of the golden ticket. I don’t know who was who, but I think the one who looks less like a horse had the better voice.

Jarrod Norrell – said he was singing Amazing Grace, so he could “give it up to God”, but unfortunately forJarrod, God received the package and signed it “return to sender, and have him arrested.”

Before the commercial break, Seacrest previews a tragic back story for the final singer of the night, Matt Lawrence, and wonders what lies in the future for him. At first glance, I’m hoping its herpecin.

Matt Lawrence – considering he robbed a bank with a BB gun when he was 15 and spent four years in jail because of it, this is probably a more healthy alternative for him. It was a good performance, that Ray Lamontagne song suited his voice and made him sound genuine. Hopefully he doesn’t drawn comparisons to Michael Sarver, last year’s roughneck.

Well, that’s all Orlando had to offer, and it wasn’t much. Maybe one or two with a real chance at cracking the top 24. Hopefully we’ll get something more out of Los Angeles next week. On a positive note, Heidi Montag’s new album has sold less than 700 copies so far, so all is ok in the world.

1. Janell Wheeler
2. Matt Lawrence
3. Brittany Starr James
4. Jermaine Purifoy
5. Shelby Dressel
6. Seth Rollins
7. Non-Horse Desimone
8. Jay Stone
9. Cornelius Edwards
10. Horse Desimone
11. Kasi Bedford

1. Mallorie Haley
2. Justin Williams
3. Ashley Rodriguez
4. Jermaine Sellers
5. Tyler Grady
6. John Park
7. Janell Wheeler
8. Katelyn Epperly
9. Matt Lawrence
10. Leah Laurenti
11. Paige Dechausse
12. Brittany Starr James
13. Benjamin Bright
14. Jermaine Purifoy
15. Brian Walker
16. Holly Harden
17. Keith Semple
18. Amadeo Diricco

This…Is American Idol…Blog (Chicago Auditions)

In case you need to catch up, check out the Boston and Atlanta audition recaps.

It’s the city of Chicago tonight for Idol, although I must say I was hoping when they said Idol was doing Chicago tonight, that we were going to get some Peter Cetera rocking the Karate Kid 2 soundtrack. “I am a man, who will fight, for your honor.  I’ll be the hero, you’re dreaming of.  We’ll live forever, knowing together that we…did it all, for the glory of love.”  We love you, Mr. Miyagi!!!

Seacrest briefly mentions that tonight’s city is the same place where Obama was from and wonders if the next American Idol can hail from the same place as our American president.  I believe that probably qualifies as the closest FOX has ever come to saying something positive about the left side. Then they follow that up and announce Karl Rove as the guest judge tonight.

Just kidding about Rove, instead we get country star, Shania Twain, still looking as good at 44 as she did at 34, although I still have a hard time accepting a country star who hails from Ontario.  The judges are seated, in a weird order tonight (Simon on the far left, Kara on the far right and Shania/Randy in the middle), and let’s hope some contestants in the Windy City actually blow us away tonight.  Ha, I made a weather joke, take that El Nino!

Katelyn Epperly – All due respect, but what a terrible back story to get us to care about her.  Her parents split recently, that’s it???  Although to be fair, when my parents separated about 9 years ago, the first thing I did was fly to England and try out for Pop Idol.  Also, her mom said that Katelyn’s dad “decided to divorce”  Since when is that a verb?  Is this a new thing like how recently football announcers say injuries as “out with a foot” or “out with a shoulder?”  So do we say that her dad was “out with a divorce?”  Oh yeah, she sang too.  It was pretty good, almost unique in a way and the judges seem to think there’s something to her.

Once we help Haiti out, can we turn our fundraising efforts towards saving Luke Wilson and Kris Allen?

Gotta love the Best In Show crew doing commercials for the U.S. Census – now THAT is some great casting.

Back from commercials and there’s someone talking about the many different nicknames of Chicago.  They left off, “The City Ruined By Jay Cutler”

Amy Lang
– apparently she’s Ryan Seacrest’s biggest stalker, no pun intended.  Maggie says “she laughs like Large Marge.”  Not only has she ruined Aretha Franklin’s “Dr. Feelgood”, she also ruined the Motley Crue version for me as well.  In fact, thanks to her “boob-boxing” (as Cara called it), she’s ruined my dinner for me too.

Charity Vance – Her mom says they’ve been watching Idol since she was 8 years old.  I all of a sudden feel like I should be eating my suppers at 4:30 in the afternoon. Very nice voice, but even though she has no problem singing at the local Hair Cuttery, she kind of reminds of someone who could be very overwhelmed under the lights of Hollywood.  Actually based on her skin, she’s someone who could be very overwhelmed by lights in general.

Crazy Accordion Lady – I might have dated her once on a dare, I’m not sure.

Purple Jacket Tom Jones Singing Guy – we need to see more of that audition, come on, he even busted out the Carlton dance!

Angela Martin – aww, it’s good to see her back.  It’s rare that I remember a former contestant coming back to tryout again.  Although, as much as I’m rooting for her, I’d like to enforce the rule that if you don’t make it past the Hollywood round, you shouldn’t get another chance.  That being said, she’s still got a great voice and hopefully she can avoid any more personal disasters this year.

Curly Newbern – well at least he answered the question of who inherit Dom DeLuise’s wardrobe when he passed away.  Curly might have gotten a ticket had he been daring and thrown in some low notes.

Alannah Halbert – she looks like a combination of Winnie Cooper and Six from Blossom.  Apparently her and Curly use the same singing coach too.

Brian Krause – Private Gomer Pyle lives!!!  Although that audition makes me want to cradle a shotgun in the bathroom.  (Full Metal Jacket reference people, no overreacting!)

Harold Davis – playing the Rocky music in Chicago doesn’t seem right.  Again, this would be a perfect time to bust out some Peter Cetera.  Way too many bad singers being showcased tonight, especially for a one hour show.

Chantelle Graczkowski – speechless.  Also now blind in my right eye.

John Park – I think I’ll just let Shania Twain do the talking here with her comments which included…”you have a beautiful bottom end,” “you have nice lips,” “you have a nice tone down there,” and “you have a good head.”  Good thing Shania is also “out with a divorce” otherwise things might have gotten weird on the homefront.

Paige Dechausse – probably one of the best of the night, but that’s not saying much when you’re up against Chantelle and Curly.  I’m just glad she was able to overcome her papercut when she was younger to make it here today.  Oh, ashtma, sorry, that’s much worse.

Justin Ray – yesssss, our first contestant rocking the Eriq La Salle soul glow this season.  If only he sang “Greatest Love Of All.”  SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!  (drops mic, walks off stage).

Keith Semple – both Maggie and I went “ooooh” at the same time.  He sounded like an American Brian Adams. I guess that’s why Shania said yes.

Marcus Jones – it has to tell you something, if he was the last audition of the night, made it through and I already forgot what he sounded like.

Overall, not a very strong night for Chicago as the auditions mirrored the Bears season.  They showcased a lot more of the bad than the good, and we only got to see 8 golden ticket winners (3 of which who were shown clipped together in the final 30 seconds).  Hopefully Orlando will offer us something better tomorrow,  but beware that they don’t show Orlando native “this guy”

1. John Park
2. Katelyn Epperly
3. Paige Dechausse
4. Keith Semple
5. Angela Martin
6. Charity Vance
7. Justin Ray
8. Marcus Jones

1. Mallorie Haley
2. Justin Williams
3. Ashley Rodriguez
4. Jermaine Sellers
5. Tyler Grady
6. John Park
7. Katelyn Epperly
8. Leah Laurenti
9. Paige Dechausse
10. Benjamin Bright
11. Brian Walker
12. Holly Harden
13. Keith Semple
14. Amadeo Diricco

This…Is American Idol…Blog (Atlanta Auditions)

Welcome to Atlanta, the city that gave us both Clay Aiken and Fantasia.  That’s almost as bad as saying, welcome to Milwaukee, the city that gave us both Jeffrey Dahmer and Mrs. Garrett.

At least Simon has changed out of his white t-shirt for the Boston auditions and into a white t-shirt for Atlanta.  What’s sad is that t-shirt probably cost at least $100.

Dewone Robinson – the first contestant this season to sing his own material (never a good sign), also there’s no way this guy is 27 years old.  After the audition, he’s going to meet up with the Snuggle bear at a bar.

Keia Johnson – I wonder if I could pull off hot lime green jeans?  That could be a whole separate blog.  Pretty solid audition, and for those who remember my Best Oscars of the past 16 years breakdown, I definitely have a soft spot for Titanic.  Except for when Rose hogs the entire bed frame.  Not cool Rose, not cool.

Miriam Lemnouri – really she got through?  Apparently shrill voices are in this season.  Thanks a lot Miley Cyrus.

Noel Reese –  comment from Maggie, “can you make sure to mention Kara’s ridiculous fake eyelashes?”  In other words, I had nothing better to say here.

Tisha Holland – not as good as the judges made it seem.  On a completely unrelated note, Costco started carrying frozen mini southwest egg rolls that are delicious.  In other words, I still had nothing better to say here.

Jermaine Sellers
– great rendition of “If God Was One Of Us”.  Somewhere Joan Osborne is sitting at home cursing Jermaine for showing her up.  She probably threw her hot pocket at the TV too.

Christy Marie – I never thought I’d say this, but this made me miss Tatiana Del Toro.  Christy came close, but nobody pulled off crazy like Tatiana – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Olq67Knuz8

Vanessa Wolfe – note to self, never visit Vonore, TN.  Actual comment from Maggie “that’s what happens when you get hit in the face with a jet ski.”  Surprisingly not bad, definitely an unpolished singer, but Idol has a soft spot for country talent.

Jesse Hamilton – between him and Vanessa, obviously Crest Whitening Strips have pulled their sponsorship.

Holly Harden – ah, the rare goofy contestant who can actually sing.  I dug the outfit, I definitely don’t want to “strum him guitar” but the girl’s got a voice.

Lathan Davenport – more like Davenpoop.  Yep, Idol only shows them for three seconds, they only get three words.  Not counting the last sentence explaining the three seconds rule, or this sentence explaining the last sentence.

Hansel Enriquez – definitely killed Gretel Enriquez with that voice.

Blake Smith – where can I buy the “Britney Spears Changed My Life T-Shirt?”

Mallorie Haley – dammmmmn!  And she can sing too!  How can you say no to a girl from a city called Winner?

Skii Bo Ski – cousin of Skee Lo Ski?  I wish this audition was a little bit shorter, I wish I hard of hearing, if I had a tiger in a cage, I’d release it to maul him.

Lauren Sanders – correction from earlier, THAT is what happens when you get hit in the face with a jet ski.

Carmen Turner – very shrewd contestant.  You know she definitely BFF’d Lauren (not to be confused with BIFF’d) just to make her look AND sound better for the audition.  That’s how I got Maggie to like me, when I showed up to meet her the first time I had the Elephant Man as a wingman.

Brian Walker – very nice, kind of reminded me Phil Stacey of Season 6.  Although, with one less cop on the streets of Sevierville, Tennessee, who’s going to fight crime against the rowdy Seviervillians?

Lamar Royal – he’s got every right to be mad at the judges.  I mean besides the crazy personality, the loud pitchy voice and the high probability of a stabbing, he could have been the next American Idol.  But now we’ll never know, thanks a lot Mary J Blige.

General Larry Platt
– for those who missed it, just google “pants on the ground”  (I apologize in advance if that yields any additional unpleasant non-Idol related results)

Just received this email from soon-to-be married, Eoin Fitzsimmons, “Pants on the ground, pants on the ground ….. My wedding song”

1. Mallorie Haley
2. Jermaine Sellers
3. Brian Walker
4. Holly Harden
5. Keia Johnson
6. Tisha Holland
7. Vanessa Wolfe
8.Carmen Turner
9. Noel Reese
10. Skii Bo Ski
11. Miriam Lemnouri

1. Mallorie Haley
2. Justin Williams
3. Ashley Rodriguez
4. Jermaine Sellers
5. Tyler Grady
6. Leah Laurenti
7. Benjamin Bright
8. Brian Walker
9. Holly Harden
10. Amadeo Diricco